Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Found Poetry - A Processing of Fear

I hate this theme of fear running through my words, my life, my heart, my veins.  The fear feels like it's bonded to my very blood.  I know it's March and for reasons beyond my understanding, the terror that comes with March, that terror in my blood - it shuts my heart down as the depression rears her ugly head for another life and death battle.

I have to laugh or cry right now.  This entire experience with Be so far has been staring my fear in the face, of allowing myself to be stripped down just a little bit more, of putting down things that aren't helping me to be fully me and picking up things that are helping me learn to dance, to be.

As I've read through our Found Poetry exercise for this week, I've tasted that old familiar shame. The one I heard time and again.  The one thrown at me any time I did something creative.  "That's so artsy-fartsy." Lectures on how only math, science, and engineering degrees were "real".  "Play the music as it's written...there's no rubato there and definitely no retard."  It was less painful back then to shut down any part that wasn't logical and rational.  I remember taking a right-brain/left-brain test in 2005 and I was very left.

These days I'm pretty close to centre.  A big piece of my healing over these last years has been about discovering my creativity.  Polyvore has given me some space in which to do that and it's been amazing to explore.  I've got a feeling that as I continue to heal, as I continue to become that I'm going to end up as a right-brain.  I'm discovering my love of crafting candles and blending oils.

Each step on this reclaiming of myself has been scary - and now here's the next baby step.  The exercise this week - oh I want to bawl like a baby.  To approach a passage of Scripture and find the words that taste just right from it....there's nothing about this that is safe.  I have put so much work into making sure that Scripture in my life is always in context.  What would it look like to let go of that for this?  I could use something else, but I don't want to.  I sense there's something here, something beyond the scope of the exercise because I see the colours of the Spirit dancing in my soul every time I read through the instructions.  There is freedom here, another layer, another piece.  I won't let fear snatch it from me.

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