Friday, March 28, 2014

Fragmented Fridays

Today was one of those days where by the time I got up, I was already behind.  I ran from one thing to the next.  Good things, things I love, and yet for most they got at best half my attention and focus.

Days like today remind me of the girl I used to be and the life I used to live.  I ran from school, to work, to relationship, to homework, to healing work with barely any sleep and never any rest.  I survived on caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, sugar, and self-harm.  I was a mess.  Everyone told me to slow down, that it was okay to take things off my plate.  I couldn't hear them.  I couldn't imagine a world where I wasn't constantly busy. I was the girl who lived her life always running, running from herself - her past and her pain.

Life now is rather different.  Between living with an inner ear condition that causes vertigo episodes and recovery, I don't live my life at a dead run. I have to be vigilant, to practice mindfulness and balance. I'm learning to live my life in the present, to honour my need to not live at a dead run.

Today I felt those shadows of that old way of life.  It was there in the way I didn't feel fully present.  There in the running to the next thing because I had finished the last.  There in the frenzied, frazzle that was my brain all day long.

For tonight I'm setting down my unfinished to do list.  I'm remembering the woman I am now.  The one who honours her need for rest, even when it feels like she's wasting time she doesn't have to spare.  I am the woman who knows she doesn't have to do it all.  The one who knows there is grace and that tomorrow has more than enough time for the things that I didn't finish from today.

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