I'm excited and nervous to be intentionally observing Lent this year. I'm doing it through Brandy's Be e-Course. As part of this journey I've been reflecting on what am I looking for? What's my hope in doing this? Overall my hope is healing. Anything connected to faith is still pain-filled, with the major Christian holidays being things for me to survive. I'm sick of it. At times I want to throw in the towel, stop fighting to hold onto any kind of faith, and quit. On the other hand, my faith is the only thing that is getting me through life right now. It's the only place that I can feel any level of peace or hope. It's my one positive in a sea of struggling.
So I want healing - great, same story, different verse...what would it look like practically? What do I need to pick up or put down that would open myself up for the healing that I'm desperate for?
I've got two things - one to pick up and one to put down. I'm picking up writing publicly, albeit anonymously. I have this love/hate relationship with blogging that results in my abandoning yet another blog out of intense terror as to who is reading it. I grew up in a world where keeping secrets and protecting the family was of the utmost importance. I'm not feeling brave enough to attach my name to my writings, but I have enough courage to write again. I'm going to practice the discipline of writing at least once every day here through Lent, with Sundays being my day off. I want to intentionally practice using my voice, even on the days when all I can do is whisper.
I also need to put something down - Monday through Saturday for the duration of Lent. Even though I'm sober in my food addiction, there are still ways in which food is comfort to me. One of those ways is eating out. It's too easy for me to not binge, but still use food as a comfort, to soothe raw emotions and to cover my vulnerabilities. It's time to let that go, to put it down, to take another step towards trusting that God can be my place of comfort.
I'm excited to see where this journey takes me. I'm excited to be intentional. I'm nervous. I'm great at making plans, but I struggle with the follow through. Discipline was drilled into me for so many years. It's easy to feel like I'm back in the past, fighting for the right to be a person, to hold an opinion, to be me. This though is about intentional seeking. I know it's not going to be easy. My desire to run is already stirring. My prayer is that I can channel that running into a running towards instead of running away.