Monday, April 7, 2014

Fighting For My Voice

I haven't wanted to write these past couple days. There is resistance when I sit down, whether it's a blank page or a blank screen. This resistance is showing up right on time. Usually the third week, the third month, the third year is when my resistance shows up in full force. The ever-present depression rears her head again, in an attempt to take over my life yet again. The fights with my husband increase. The fights within myself increase. My anxiety spikes and the urge to act out, to gain relief becomes a drum beating in the back of my brain.

This is my third week with Story 101. Hello resistance. Hello self-judgement. Hello feelings of worthlessness. I didn't miss you. I really don't want you back and yet here you are, again. It's the same cycle -and yet it's not.  It's not destructive in the ways it used to be. I have tools now that help me to not spin out of control when you all come back to visit. I have a community of people around me who continue to tell me the truth, softly and with power. They remind me that I am not alone, I am not other. I have an ever-growing list of ways to feed my soul, and feed this person that I am becoming.  I am learning to choose life for myself instead of mere survival.

I'm going to write. I'm going to use "I" too much. I'm going to be not specific enough, too short in length and all the other judgements you want to hurl at me today. I'm still going to write. This time, you don't win. I know where this resistance comes from.  I know I'm scared.  There are all these new pieces in my life - pieces that are allowing me to continue to become this healthy, vibrant, wild, creative woman that I know is who I'm called to be. I've spent the last year letting go of codependent habits and behaviours to make room for this woman to grow.

There is room now for next steps, scary steps.  Steps towards my health - physically and emotionally. The resistance is a shield, pushing back against my fear. Oh I'm afraid. Afraid to be healthy. Afraid of the process.  Afraid of these steps and the world that is opening up in front of me. I spent so long living out the worst-case scenario that my assumption is still that anything good has another shoe that is going to drop on my head. That's not true any more. It wasn't true back then either.  Good and bad both exist in a complex dance - but that dance is not one of cause and effect. Good things no longer cause bad things to happen.  The truth is that they never did.

Today I'm writing because every voice in my head is screaming for me to hide, to run, to not go there. I know that I'm as ready as I need to be. I know that this is where I've been lead.  This is the right time, my time to learn to fight for my voice. I choose me. I choose my words. I choose to share them. I am no longer trapped, silently screaming.

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