Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Marriage and Grief Work

I have two other posts started, sitting in my drafts from today. I can't seem to complete either of them right now. I'm processing a lot from the past in between fights with my husband. I don't know if it's just where we're both at in our individual journeys right now or if there's something else going on. There are big themes behind the fights, themes of broken trust, lies of omission, and withholding self. It's exhausting.

It's layers of healing.  Frankly I don't know how to talk about what's happening in my marriage, what has happened in my marriage. Intimacy anorexia isn't a common term.  It's still pretty new as a label for a grouping of issues.  I don't particularly want to do the whole information post on it. I know it would be helpful to have one more voice out there in the world talking about it, but I already do that in person enough.  I don't want to become the poster child for what it looks like to live with a spouse who intentionally withholds intimacy in all it's forms.

It's better than it's ever been and there is still so much healing work to be done. The fights are nothing like they were our first year of marriage. They aren't even like they were a year ago.  The conflict is healthy most of the time. It's still painful.  It's painful to still be rebuilding trust - and when that takes a step or two backwards in the span of three days, it's a little much for my heart to bear.

When that shit hits the fan at the same time as some of my own identity work - it's messy.  My brain hurts and I need to scream.  There's this picture in my brain of me standing in the middle of no where, screaming until I crumble, sobbing like my heart has been broken until I throw up and pass out. That's how it feels right now.  It will feel better and hey at least I'm not medicating how I feel.  This is raw and ugly but my feelings are mine. I'm honouring them for what they are, what they have to teach me and releasing them in healthier ways than I have ever done before.

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