Friday, June 27, 2014

Notes Along the Journey: Interfaith Marriage

His lack of faith doesn't change that this is the man I trounce at cribbage. The one who vacuums our floors because the vacuum cleaner hates me. This is the man who texts to let me know he's running late because he remembers my irrational fears that he'll leave me or die unexpectedly.

This is still the man who held me through nights of endless flashbacks. The one who bound the wounds I inflicted on myself. He was the voice of reason in the middle of my insanity and despair.

He has struggled to face his past, to pursue his own recovery this past year and a half to give our marriage a fighting change. He's been the one to go toe to toe with me, holding his own, holding us when I was ready to walk away.  The one who has fought to take down his walls and share his heart, even as every protective instinct screamed for him to run and hide.

His rejection of the Divine doesn't change these pieces of who he is.

AND

None of these things change how I feel. Betrayed. Angry. Confused. Grief-stricken. It doesn't change my need to scream that this is not how the story is supposed to go. There isn't room for one more plot twist. It feels like the cruellest of ironies. As I have begun to find my footing in my faith again, to find glimpses of hope in how I could be part of community, he has slipped further away.

The loneliness threatens to drag me under. There are a few brave women I have found who are talking about this. I'm grateful for their words, their stories.

It's hard not to wonder where did I fail, to not demand an answer as to why God is passionate and intentional about pursuing my heart yet seems to not give a shit about my husband's.  That sounds like the God of my childhood, not the Divine being that I've grown to know and love. In all of this though, I feel held. I have a deep knowing that this story isn't over. I don't know the ending, but I know that honesty is necessary for growth.

I'm left in the same place I was before this bombshell - learning to love my husband in ways that are healthy and sustainable for both of us.

7 comments:

  1. What a beautiful tribute to his love as you walk that tightrope between grief, anger, and beauty xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is a really well-written post. Most people can't or won't write clearly on this topic. Your writing is clear and honest. You have a tough path - keep talking and asking questions!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vanessa, thank you. It's not an easy topic to write about. I'm still learning how to put words to my heart so that I can be honest without shaming.

      Delete
  3. This is raw and rare. Thank you for being open, and know that there I'm sending love to you AND your Love. God's timing is a funny, funny thing. When we think things are past due is when He is priming us for reckless abandon in Him. Hold tight, keep discovering your faith, keep fighting for you marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, thank you for the encouragement and the love.

      Delete
  4. I've been wondering about this question lately. Thank you for sharing :)

    ReplyDelete