Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Notes Along The Journey: Weakness

It's been one hell of a week and it's only Wednesday. I'm running face first into my own weaknesses. The weaknesses of my body, caused by the abuses and neglects of others, compounded by the abuses and neglects that I've inflicted on myself. I don't know how to write about this and not feel like I'm complaining. Yet it's part of my reality and the effect of it has rippled down. Pain has dulled my brain causing me to struggle with words, ideas, thoughts. I'd rather the pain though then the loss of myself that comes from medication.

One thing leads to another and I had to cancel my day, go back to bed and rest. My balance is still a little on the wonky side and the migraine is threatening. I hate admitting defeat like this. Weaknesses have always been something to be pushed through, held off until it was convenient. That's no longer a luxury I can afford. It's not being kind to myself, to this body to push through assuming that eventually it will make me strong.

That's not how strength is built. Strength building, as I'm learning, takes time and requires pacing. When I don't listen to that pacing and overdo, I go backwards in building my muscles, causing harm instead of good.

Right now my internal weaknesses are all up in my face. Fear and uncertainty are doing a tap dance in my heart, accompanied by the too familiar songs of loneliness. Counting down to my parents visit has me afraid. I do not know what that's going to look like, how it's going to go. My husband has admitted to letting go of his faith in God, acknowledging that maybe there wasn't ever a connection there, just rules that he has followed.

All of it adds up handing me more than I can bear. And sometimes, I think that's the point. When I get here, to this place where I cannot even attempt to fake that I've got it together and handled, when I get here, I get real. I get vulnerable and humble. Asking for help is something I still loathe to do, and I'm having to do it. I'm having to risk my heart's deepest words with some amazing women, asking them simply to hear me, to hold me, to stand witness. That's where relationships are built and community is created - when people are willing to share their weaknesses. When I'm willing to share not only what I have learned, but what I haven't learned, there can be connection.

Normally I"d want something to tie this all together, to wrap it up. That's not going to happen today. Today I'm learning to embrace and honour my weakness, to stop fighting against it.  My clarity and focus is slipping away again, my body calling me to rest yet again.

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