Friday, June 6, 2014

You Can Move On Now

I had a dream last night. I don't usually put much stock in dreams, other than as my subconscious working things through to a point where I can deal with it consciously. In this dream, I was racing around my home town, headed back to my high school with my older sister. It was just in time for finals and she was going to petition on my behalf that I be allowed to write them, even though I had not attended in years. I followed along, in her wake because I didn't know what else to do.

The school administrator we talked to was no one that I knew, more of a presence, rather than a solid person. My sister was babbling away with all of these ideas of ways that I could be helped to move forward with my life now that I was free. I could finish high school and work part time at this studio. The administrator interrupted her and addressed me. Her authority quieted the flow of ideas pouring out of my sister. "You don't belong here any more. You finished high school. You don't need to come back here again." She faded away, my sister started to protest and I stood up and walked down the two flights of concrete steps that led into the front foyer of the school. I didn't know where I was going, but I was done going where I no longer belonged.

There are many things in this dream that are actually relevant. I was kicked out of high school with an assault charge, finished by correspondence and paid my debt to society. My life shifted away from the usual high school, college, career path and even though I can look back and see the good that came out of it all, I still have this lingering feeling that if I had done it the right way, then my life would be better. It's utter crap and irrelevant at this point in my life. I've gone to college. Physical illness put a stop to any career I was hoping to have and now I'm settling into this discovering of who I am as a creative.

What I loved about the dream though was that I stopped letting someone else lead me around. I walked away. In my quest to belong I will follow others, hoping that they will one day include me. I have this model for friendships that's built on television shows, books, and high school. No wonder I'm messed up socially.

Today I'm looking for the places I've been haunting where my presence is no longer required.

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