All the words are chasing each other through my brain. I'm discovering that I'm still good, too good, at hiding myself. I'm overly selective about what I will allow people to see in my life. Yes I get to choose what I share, where, when, how and there is wisdom in learning those things. Too often I justify not sharing in the name of wisdom and "Keeping myself safe". Because yes, safety and control as the Holy Grail in my world. Growing up without either, it's easy to turn them into my idol, my god, this dream I continue to chase, that leaves me exhausted and lonely.
In the spirit of making a different choice here are some things I haven't been sharing in the way that I need to share:
1) My parents fly in late this Friday. They will be staying in town at a motel for 10 days. I haven't seen them in person for three years. I have not spent this much time with them since I moved out of their home, against their wishes 8 years ago. I am terrified to see them. I am more terrified to kick them out of my life for good. I am secretly hoping that he will be denied at the border or that he will decide to disown me for the third time (and this time I'm going to take him up on it!)
2) I've been hitting every meeting in town for the last week and a half because I've never dealt with my parents when I was sober from all of my addictions/compulsive behaviours. I'm afraid that my sobriety won't hold up to having to deal with them. The last time they visited, I was still drinking. I have 18 months and 1 day today without alcohol in my life. All I want to do is drink. (or smoke or take pills). What I really want is to go back to self-injury. It's my primary addiction and the one that I'm still in love with even though it's been 4 years, 3 months, and 24 days since I last cut.
3) I can't write at the moment. Not even for myself. It brings up all the lies and feelings about how writing is just one more flight of fancy that I'm too lazy to actually finish or do something with.
4) My husband's abandonment of what was once our shared faith has caused me to shut down in my own exploration of what healthy spirituality is for me. I seem to be frozen in my own search for what this looks like for me.
I hear the fear in my words, the fear that is driving my panic and it makes me sick. For those of you who are praying people, I would appreciate prayers on my behalf.