Saturday, March 22, 2014

Addiction and Recovery

Addiction sucks.  Whether it's my own, or my husband's, or in the life of my sucks.  There's nothing pretty about it.  It's ugly and nasty and sucks the life out of everyone that it touches.

I hate:
my own addictions - self-harm, nicotine, food, codependency
my husband's addiction - intimacy anorexia (IA)
addictions in the lives of my friends - food, drugs, alcohol, food, sex, nicotine, codependency, IA

I love:
the wholeness of recovery
the miracles I get to witness
that beauty is made out of ashes in front of my eyes every day

I struggle:
with the process
the setbacks and relapses
with the pain inflicted

Here's what I'm learning though.  There is beauty in the authenticity of living my recovery.  There is freedom in living a life without secrets.  There is an aliveness, a rawness in living without medicating my feelings.

It's hard work.  It's living with an openness of my heart towards others that is not easy, especially when those others are in pain or causing me pain.  It also means learning boundaries and self-respect.

I am amazed at how far I have come.  I was the girl who said that there was no way, no how that a 12 step program would help me.  I was too different and besides, my issues stemmed from the spiritual, emotional, verbal, psychological, physical and sexual abuses that were inflicted on me for most of my life.  Oh how wrong I was - and I'm so glad that I was wrong.  Recovery allows me to see my healing as a process, a journey, one which requires me, my Higher Power and my community.

I'm grateful for the people that have come into my life because of my recovery.  I'm currently leading a group for partners and spouses of addicts. They are beautiful women that I am so amazed by each and every week. It's holy, humbling work. It's stretching and growing me in ways that I didn't know I could be stretched.

Recovery has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I wouldn't be alive without it.  I wouldn't have a marriage without it.  Living out the steps has given me back my life.  I am profoundly grateful that God has used recovery to bring in pieces that I was missing in my healing journey.

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