Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Detaching and Protecting

I've been detaching from people all week long.  Part of it stems from having been overwhelmed with people last week.  The weekend helped to balance that out.  But I'm detaching still.  My heart is behind my walls again.  I'm protecting myself.  But why?  What the hell is going on that my instincts for self-preservation have kicked in?  

My reaction is disproportionate to the present circumstances, which of course means this isn't about the present, but is about the past.  22 years of trauma tend to make for a hell of a lot of triggers.  I know the big ones, but this one? 

What is it about re-framing how I see that is setting it all off?  Is that even the trigger?  It seems to have started there, but it could just as easily be held over from last week.  Sometimes I wish this was easier.  Right now I'd settle for a book or an idea or even some good questions.  My questions just seem to keep my brain spinning in circles right now.  

Here's what I do know.  

I'm homesick.  I miss President's Choice Blue Label products and their decadent chocolate chip cookies and deluxe white cheddar mac and cheese.  I miss my chosen family - it's been 5 1/2 long years since I last got to hug them.  It's an ache that never goes away and I don't want it to go away.  Because loving them is worth hurting every day that I'm not there doing life with them.  I'm building something incredible here - and I know this is where I'm called to be.  This space, this time has been carved out for me to have all the pieces that I need for me to do the deep healing that's necessary for me to even live day to day life.  For my marriage to even have a chance at lasting or being healthy, this is where I need to be.  Maybe one day I can have all the people that matter most to me living in the same country, or at least on the same side of the continent.  

I am grieving still for the marriage that I thought I would have.  The one where my husband isn't an intimacy anorexic.  The one where recovery was something that was there for other people.  The one where I didn't have to gear up and fight every day.  I knew marriage was hard.  I knew for us it would be horrific - it's all kinds of messy when two abuse survivors marry.  But I didn't expect it to be hell for the first 5 years.  It's better than it's ever been and I'm impatient.  I hate that he has to chose every day to be brave and connect with me.  I hate that connecting with me requires him to be brave.  I hate that he was hurt so badly, abandoned and neglected to the point that no one is trustworthy.  

I am wrestling with God, faith, belief and what that all looks like in my life.  I am still de-programming from the toxic abusive bullshit I was taught in the name of God.  It's hard, painful work.  I am still questioning how an all-powerful God allows abuse, especially that done in His name.  

I'm tired of being patient and waiting.  I'm tired of everything taking hard work.  I'm tired of continuing to pay the price for the sins of others.  

I am tired.  I don't know how to even begin to re-frame any of this.  I don't want to let go of my judgements.  yes they hurt me, they hurt people that I care about.  But letting go of one more thing?  I already feel stripped of my defences.  And yet I know this is what I'm called to do - to live with my heart wide open. This week I'm running away from that calling and that's why I'm detached.  That's why my walls are up and I can't seem to engage with my course.  This week requires an openness of my heart that I'm not ready for yet.  I'm learning - and I'm not there.  Not yet. 

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