After writing this morning, I took my aching head and heart back to bed for some sorely needed rest. Looking at how shame continues to impact my identity isn't easy. I thought I was further down the road than I feel right now. So many of my insecurities are screaming in my face. Seeing myself as I am, without judging, or shoulding is proving challenging.
My vision of myself is skewed - one way or another. Coming out of the last season of healing I felt more comfortable in my skin than I ever have before. It was amazing. I knew there was more work, but that felt far away and I blissfully soaked in the glow of no longer hating myself. All too soon, here I am for the next layer, the next round and I want to go back to the bliss.
I enjoyed not gearing up for war every day and going to battle. It was sweet relief. Now it's time to fight again - I don't feel ready. I feel as weary putting on my armour as I did taking it off in December.
In the middle of it all today though, the middle of being ready to throw in the towel and walk away, God still met me. Jason Gray's new album dropped today and so many of the songs on there were this soothing balm for my soul. Tonight I'm choosing to rest in that comfort, to not judge myself for where I'm at, and to extend grace to me in being where I am.