My brain is weary tonight. My heart feels full and for the moment cried out. I'd forgotten yet again how many tears come with this journey to the centre of my being. There were so many good words spoken in the call tonight for Be. I have pages of scribbled notes and questions to chew over. I'll get there. For this moment my take-away is gratitude. I'm not alone. I'm not alone and there is hope. That hope is part and parcel of what pierces through my shame. It's not some nebulous wispy "we'll get there someday" hope. This hope has voices and faces. This is a hope borne of the raw beauty that is the hearts of brave women sharing pieces of story tonight.
I don't remember a time in my life before shame. I don't remember a life before trauma. I don't remember the little girl that I was before. I'm not sure that I have a before. It feels like shame is woven into every splintered piece of my personality.
Tonight in the chat it was spoken that we are made new.
I need a new. There's nothing left of me to be restored. I need a new. I can see pieces where He is making new in me and it's breathtaking. I have whole days now where I don't hold myself responsible for the evils that others inflicted on me. I have whole days where I can see this incredible woman who has been buried in all of the shit. I'm not there yet. I don't see all the new yet.
For this night I'm holding onto Brandy's words. "it's okay to be where you are. We have work to do." I'm sitting in them, wrapping them around my raw heart places and practising acceptance of where I am.