Monday, May 12, 2014

Exposure

There's this push-pull inside me.
The urge to be seen, to be known.
I crave attention, recognition
And I hate that in myself

I want to stand on my own two feet
Beholden to no one
Secure in myself
My voice
My thoughts
My experiences
My truth

To honour my words
No matter how they are heard
Even when they are unheard

Like me
Love me
See me
Need me
Value me
My heart cries for all these things
Things I haven't had

They aren't wrong
These basic needs
Too long unmet
Vilified and denied

To be seen
Requires a coming out
Movement away from the shadowy places
My heart felt safe, hidden

This stepping out
This stepping forward
This using a voice that cracks and croaks from disuse
This is exposure

It's too much sun on winter skin
Burning my tender places
It must happen slowly
One layer, one place at a time

It must happen slowly
or else my heart cannot adjust

It must happen slowly
or I will recoil
hiding further back away from where I started

There is learning here
A learning that eyes can look tender
And hands can be healing

I want to stand, to run, to shout my voice into the wind
Unfettered, unhindered, brave in my fear
And I will one day

This day, this day
I will croak and fall
as my fear overcomes my brave
And I will stand up again
over and over
until my legs are strong
my voice is sure
I will risk exposure
Until it tastes like freedom


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