Thursday, May 15, 2014

When I'm My Worst Self

There are these tapes in my head. The ones that play 24/7. When they were recorded they sounded like other people, but now, I get them confused with my own voice. One of the tools that I have in learning to value myself is to write what's true. At the moment, what feels true is only true when I am my worst self. I'm not always this person. But sometimes I am - usually when I'm hurting, angry, anxious, lonely, or tired. I've worn myself out, trying to challenge these tapes head on. It hasn't worked. What has worked is accepting what piece of truth they may offer and allowing the rest to go. Funny thing is, what truth I find in these tapes is generally true only when I am at my worst.

I'm tired of only seeing these things about myself, so I thought I'd write them out. All the pieces of my worst traits or my best traits turned destructive. My hope in writing this is not to bash myself over the head, but to make room for me to write When I'm My Best Self.

When I'm My Worst Self

My worst self is petty

Nit-picking, anal retentive, obsessed with detail

She is harsh

Judging , comparing, evaluating, cold and distant

She lacks empathy

Without mercy, perfectionist, grace-less

She holds herself as separate

Different, other-than, sometimes superior, usually inferior, less-than

She sees herself as childish

Needy, desperate, whiny, weak, lacking

She feels desperate

Grasping,  impatient, merciless, insane

She is selfish

Seeing only her pain, her past, her dysfunction, her problems

She is undisciplined

Lazy, scattered, disorganized, lacking in her follow through

She lives in terror

Scared, worried, nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop

She is humanity at it's worst

Vindictive, small-minded, bringing death to herself and others

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