One of the triggers from my past flared last night. I bit my tongue, because it wasn't the time or place and my thoughts were all jumbled. I bit my tongue because the words I wanted to scream weren't about that time and place, but about all the years of being told that I was fundamentally wicked, not to be trusted, evil from the day I was conceived.
I don't believe those lies and I refuse to cower under their power. This is my resignation letter:
I resign from a world where my heart must be bad, my emotions not to be trusted. One misused verse from Scripture no longer holds sway over my heart. My heart is beautiful and alive. My emotions are what make me, well me. They are full of colour and keep me connected, grounded, sober.
I grew up in that world, that world where emotions were evil and my heart deemed wicked. I spent 12 years trying to bleed the evil out of my body, 16 years of my life went to wanting, trying to be dead. My heart lived on mute. Don't tell me that taming my heart is good. It's evil. Twisted, wicked, straight from the pit of hell evil.
My heart doesn't need to be tamed - she needs to be set free. To passionately pursue beauty, to run after dreams and chase down hope. Her voice will no longer be silenced. My heart is not wicked - it is the essence of me. And I, I am not wicked. I do not need to be tamed, controlled, or numb.
So while you are entitled to your opinion, I no longer live by it. Not only do I not tame my emotions, I listen to them, allowing them to teach me, to guide me, to connect me to this vibrant world. I honour my heart's feelings, listening to what they tell me about myself and my world.
Those twisted words, yanked from context, spun around, and spat out as justification for breaking my spirit have ruled me for far too long. I've given most of my life to those words, feeling guilt and shame that are not mine. I won't live there any longer.
I choose me. I choose life, experienced through the entire spectrum of my emotions.