Monday, June 9, 2014

Standing Up For Me

My parents are coming to visit. Even typing that sentence makes me want to cry. I'm terrified. Scared out of my wits with all of the what ifs and what could happens. My protective instincts are kicking in and I am fighting like a mad woman to hold onto this self that I've finally discovered this year. I've done too much healing to deal with their visit in the ways that I have in the past, but not enough yet to decide if I am ready to no longer have them in any part of my life.

My fear has been stealing my voice, my creativity. It's robbed me of sleep, of peace, of the ability to rest. I am frantic, anxious, restless, unfocused. And I'm still free to choose.

I haven't lost what I've learned, even though it's gone into hiding for the last week. Those lessons and those tools, I still have them, I still know how to use them. I haven't lost me, even though right now it feels like I have. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Today I am standing up and fighting for myself, for my voice, for my creativity. I won't allow fear to rob me of what freedom has brought. Today I lean into my fear, to hear what it has to teach me, to honour it's voice. But it's no longer the deciding force behind my actions.

I'm printing my pictures and creating my wall of colours. I'm leaving my books on their shelves. I'm showing up scared and brave, using my voice even when, especially when it's shaking. I'm honouring the gift of words that my Muses give me. Today I'm standing up for myself, not with my parents, that will come one day. First I need to learn to stand up for myself to my fear.

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