She stays up
Propping eyes open
She fights sleep
Oblivion too tempting
She wants light
Dark fears exposed
Lately I seem to be able to write only the first half of posts and poems. The dark ideas, the tormenting thoughts, the secrets. I can't seem to write my way into the light. I know that not everything has to have a happy ending, that sometimes this is where I am in the process. It doesn't change that light is there or that hope still whispers to my heart. I hesitate though to push publish on things that are only dark, or mainly dark. Pieces that don't have a balance between dark and light. Posts that like me are still in process.
I can't be somewhere that I'm not though. I can't be someone that I'm not. And who I am right now? She's fighting the dark. Some of that is because of the time of year - which if I ever figure out why my brain implodes when it does would speed up my healing by leaps and bounds. For now though I am looking to be content in this space. To practice acceptance of my whole self - including the darkness that takes over twice a year, every year for as long as I can remember.
I've tried fighting back. That only exhausted what little resources I had left. I tried giving in. That fed the darkness and it held on longer. That leaves me with acceptance. Choosing to see into this space, to reframe it, to see the beauty in it as it is right now. Shadows are cast by light, even when I cannot see the source.